06/25/2009 period started....FINALLY. three weeks late. i wasn't worried.

i want to just talk into my recorder right now because i have so much to say and i am so tired. but i'm listening to myself bitch and cry last weekend and converting it and uploading it so i can post it. or could post it. because there it is at the bottom of the entry.

i have been going through a lot in the past month. i've been looking at my parents in all new (mostly unflattering) ways and it's having all kinds of unexpected benefits and repercussions. i've realized i'm still pretty angry. i am extremely pissed with both of my dads. i don't trust men, have abandonment issues, and struggle with major self-worth issues because of how they've treated me. i'm grappling with how much i love them alongside how much i want to punch both of them in the face every time i even hear their voices.

my dad called me tonight. i was driving my aunt and my grandma out for our wednesday night dinner/grocery shop and i answered for him. i was kind of surprised to see it was him because my dad NEVER EVER calls me. i always call him. but i had dinner with my grandpa, my other grandma, and my uncle monday night and since he was up there for mother's day the night before i thought he might be calling to ask me how it went. no. he called to ask when my sister and matt were coming to town. i told him they'd already come and gone. he flipped out and started bitching about how he was a mile up the road from them and they didn't even bother to come by. i asked him if he'd called her after i called him WEEKS AGO to tell him she was coming. he said no, and he wasn't ever calling her again. then he told me in a nasty voice to have a nice dinner and we hung up. that kind of left me in shock.

how did i just get chewed out for my sister being a bitch? my dad was PISSED. i haven't experienced him that angry and emotional in a long time. and it hurts that he's so upset by my sister ignoring him, because he completely ignores me. i call him every few weeks to check on him and to see how he's doing. i ask him if he wants to go out to dinner or lunch but he always says no. and he doesn't seem to be very interested in or impressed with my efforts. he's more interested in my sister and his wife's daughter, because they're both pretty and successful and when people ask about his family he gives them something to say. he doesn't mention me very much. a lot of the guests at his wedding didn't know who i was. they knew about my sister though. that she has a bachelors degree and lives in new york and is married. i don't exist.

and my step-dad, i wish he would ignore me. instead he does everything he can to make me feel like a pile of shit.

so i'm really pissed. i don't deserve any of this. i do not deserve it. these men should love me more. they should love me as much as i love them. they don't, and it's broken my heart in ways that no romantic relationship ever could.

the good news is i feel like i'm going through the stages of grief, which means progress, which means eventual change. it won't always feel this terrible. i can't wait for the day when it doesn't hurt so much.

a side-effect of all these things i'm going through is i'm having a terrible time relating to my friends. if they're not still partying, they're starting families and i'm not doing either. i've been sticking very close to my family for the past couple months. i hardly talk to tricia. i can't relate to anything she's doing or going through right now. also i can't deal with another alcoholic who i care so much about that i can't focus. she's more cause for worry than my mom.

yet i'm not really isolating myself. the only times i'm alone are when i'm on my lunch break, when i'm sleeping, or when i'm in the bathroom.

on a high note, epcot TOTALLY KICKED ASS on saturday! i love the theme parks.

i'm exhausted. my file is uploaded. you can listen if you'd like.

05/07/2009 period started.

in case you missed it because boxstr was being a bitch, i start making some sense to myself here.

and then there's my niece, fatalie. she has her mother's smile, her father's eyes, and her auntie amy's fat rolls :)



10 weeks old and 13#. the little butterball.

my sister is coming in a week. we're going to epcot for the flower and garden festival on the 9th, my mom's birthday. me, lisa and matt, my mom, my grandma, kristi and natalie are going. i can't wait :)

i was supposed to go to orlando this weekend, for the first time in a couple months. i already cut my visit short by one night, and i'm thinking about just staying home altogether. i don't know. i haven't decided. i want to see everyone, but then i also just want to stay home. hang out with my family. go to jacob and phoebe's birthday party on sunday after church with grandma. that's what i've been doing all month, and i'm not sick of it yet. there's too many people in this family to get sick of seeing any of them.

and there's a bunch of other things going on, but i'll talk about them if i get a chance soon.

just what the subject says.

this is my last post from my parents house. i'll be spending the rest of the weekend settling in at my grandma's house. i am well-stocked for this kind of organizational work.

it will probably be a few days before i get back to this, so in case i miss it...happy 4/20 kids :)

it's an unusual weekend. none of us have anything to do. my brother is moving monday because of a fuck-up with his mortgage company (gf's mother) and my parents have nothing going on. since i'm not going on anymore dates and next week is spring break, i didn't have anything going on either. me and daniel went to the backyard to share a bowl and i was going to lay on the picnic bench and read for the rest of the day. i wore a different swimsuit than i normally do. it's full-coverage but in two pieces, so i bunched the top up and scooted the bottoms down and stayed like that for about 45 minutes until my dad came walking back there. i rearranged everything back to normal and then we both stayed out there for another hour until my mom came wandering back. we called my brother and sister-in-law to see if we could come over and see the baby tomorrow, and they decided we should have a double-dose and came by while we were all still outside. so my WHOLE family hung out at my picnic bench with me today. it was so much fun. and i ended up with some crazy tan lines:

( cut, because i'm naked )

also, i'm going to go out on a limb here and say 04/05/2009 period started.

.....and i cried a lot. i was better in the morning, like i knew i would be. and i'm fine right now. i'm actually excited because this work week has been going well, lots of family things are happening this weekend, and i don't have any homework because it's spring break next week. but wednesday night was rough, and i recorded it.

(audio - approximately 45 minutes long) bad news about my date and i cry about my life

so it's hard, but then there is all of this......

( these fall into the makes-it-all-worth-it category )

if you want to hear the first audio files, i think i've made them public (for) now.

livejournal
deadjournal
look.
this entry

yeah, i use a stat counter. if you're going to post really personal crap and things like naked pictures of yourself, you ought to keep tabs on who is looking.

and yes, i know by telling you my secret it's possible you can fly under the radar now. see me without me seeing you. i wish you wouldn't though. with the exception of douchebags like the one above, it makes me happy to see you all pop up on there at random times.

just so this isn't a complete bitch-entry....i may have a date with a giant tonight :) 6'5" and he promises we will make out a LOT. i can't wait.

there is a person in kuala lumpur who is farming my journal entries and posting them as her own. seriously. go look. and then look at my entry from feb 22nd. what the fuck? is that a real person or some bot trolling around trying to make real friends and acting like a comment whore? and then, and THEN....a bunch of people (more bots?) respond to the entry and......i think they're thinking melbourne, australia. i don't know. it's fucking weird.

stop farming my entries. they are mine. get your own life.

Poll #1370162 radio free amy
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All

could you hear my audio posts?

( click to be sick :) )

let's try this again......i added a little summary for each one too. should i include how long they are, or will you only listen to the short ones? (if you do, you're smarter. avoid the rambling.)

we destroyed the global economy on purpose. i think i know why we did it.

you are god and you can do something to alleviate some of the suffering.

so what does all that mean? it means go to wal-mart (cvs) because the tape cuts off at the end.

this is just a bunch of rambling about personal things and general opinions and then the tape cuts off at the end.

at the cemetery on sunday. i don't cry or anything, i just talk about my family.

no grinding wheels on this one. it's digital.

it felt good. and i learn my purpose.

ok so i have created mp3 files. now i need a place to store them where the entire world can't get to them. i also need to be able to post them here so you guys can listen. i don't know how to go about any of this so...geniuses, please help?

i just sat in my car hot-boxing for....i don't even know how long. i had an epiphany as i was driving home from work today. i was listening to npr and they were talking (of course, what else?) about the economy. a whole bunch of things just clicked in my brain. and i needed someone to talk to so i called jon. and he got me started. other things happened, etc-etc.....and so what i'm saying is i just sat in my car being totally high as balls my brain racing a mile a minute. i'm trying to think of someone i can call because oh my god, i just want to TALK to someone. and then i remember digging my sister's old sony 'microcassette-corder' (haha) out of a drawer after she moved to new york.....and for some reason stowing it away in the console of....my buick. this is how long ago this was. building up to this momentous night with myself. seriously, i feel like i just had the greatest date in the world. i filled up a mini-tape talking about a whole bunch of shit. bear in mind i have never heard myself talk for more than a few mumbled sentences....because i've always been self-conscious about my voice and how i sound. i didn't know. i thought i sounded goofy or man-ish or gruff. but when i just relaxed and sat by myself in a place i feel totally safe and comfortable in - my car....which because i'm sure when i got rid of the buick and got the infiniti i just moved whatever was in one to the other. the 'microcassette-corder' made it into the console of my car. the car i was just sitting in. and so i decided to get over it and relax and talk to myself. and record it. i filled an entire tape. i think that's only 30 minutes. but really....that's a lot of time. think about trying to do a 5-minute speech for class and how long it felt like it took to think of enough things to say and still sound articulate and make a point. i spoke to myself. i didn't mumble. maybe once or twice, but more because of emotion instead of self-consciousness. i spoke articulately and passionately and listened to myself make discoveries and try to think things out. serious, my ego doesn't say this....it was amazing. i said amazing things and i meant them and when i said them out loud it sounded so natural and i believed it so much more than when i type it all out here. this has been an awesome outlet for me for almost....five years? i just read back on this date five years ago and i make myself laugh. i sound...exactly like myself. only younger, and more into stupid things. like jon and weed. but in my 30 minutes (i really think it is a 30 minute tape) i mentioned jon several times. because i talked to him immediately following my amazing brainwave........


my point is i'm totally into this right now. i just got dressed and i'm going to 24-hour wal-mart.....(will wal-greens have it? or better yet cvs?? - i love cvs) to get lots more mini-tapes so i can record myself talking for as long as i feel like i have things to say to myself. i will want you all to hear. this might be a one-time creative thing i exploit because i have the time and space to myself to do it. but i hope it's not. because i created something tonight. a little 30-minute tape of me talking. i'm not just talking to myself. i'm talking to you. all of you. and eventually i'm going to have to figure out how to get you to hear it. it blows typing a journal entry out of the fucking water. there are no revisions. it's all straight from the heart. no editing. ad-lib. just thinking out loud. speaking your truth. my fingers can't keep up with my brain. seriously, i can't wait to figure out how to let you guys hear it. it's not my ego talking. it was just a HUGE THING. it's changed me. if you like reading what i write, you need to hear what i say when i'm speaking. just like here, only without the clumsy typing-medium in the way.

off to cvs! i will find a 24-hour one...because that's what the internet is for.

it's a mile and a half away. amazing.

the shuttle did not go up last night :( a full-moon night launch was going to kick ass.

our budget at work got cut by 1/3. this means we're not hiring anyone and i'm not getting a raise. it kinda sucks, but i'm not THAT upset about it. i'm going to ask for the raise anyway because i'm ballsy like that. i also have excellent arguments to make. i'm going to give it a while though. when budgets get cut the obvious money-crunches happen. but when you work contractually and have to deal with the clerk of courts, the department of revenue and the sheriff's office and all of their budgets have been cut too, everyone starts looking for a million little ways to push the cost-burden of things off their own plates. departments get cheap about making their own copies and paying for postage and silly crap like that. my bosses are being hen-pecked with that shit right now. it's not a good time to hen-peck them for a raise, no matter how justified.

chris tried to get my tensioner ordered so we can do my belts at last, but it's not coming in until monday. which means we'll probably wait another two weeks before we try again because i have plans next weekend (still on joel?). that also means i have my car this weekend, so i can do something if i get the urge. i'm house-sitting for my grandma until monday so my plan was to spend the weekend curled up on the couch at her house petting the kitties and looking through boxes of pictures. but now i might just go to the beach while the weather is nice. freckle up.

so something surprising has happened to me. this girl i met is a little whore. and as much as i might have expected that to totally turn me on, it doesn't at all. in fact the opposite is true. what i actually notice happening is that i'd prefer to have a romantic but mostly non-sexual relationship with a girl. kinda like the one i had with sita.

it seems like a whole entry of blugh. but actually i feel pretty good :)

this weekend was awesome :) monday night was awesome :) tonight was awesome :)

today is 3/11, which means that's all i'm listening to on my ipod all day. i downloaded 15 albums of modest mouse in 20 minutes tonight. it was fucking amazing. the concert last night was AMAZING. tricia made us a thermos full of fresh-strawberry margaritas. the lime tequila she used smelled so good we almost swigged from the bottle. i drank a LOT of that and then a whole lot of beer at the show because we met cute boys who kept buying them for us. that made nate mad and he pitched a fit. it was high-drama. i didn't have a headache this morning but i barfed my guts out. and i still went to work. because i'm a champion. i think i picked up good karma for tipping the bathroom lady $5 and giving her a hug my last time in. most of the vapid bitches that walk in there act like she's invisible.

greg and i went downtown saturday and saw the jim henson exhibit at the history center. it was AWESOME, and i got a great muppet caper t-shirt that i'm in love with. we also ate a bunch of yummy food and i think i got the best nights sleep i've had in months. i slept like a dead person. and i got good hugs :) i also bumped someones mercedes in a parking garage. of course i didn't end up parking next to them. i felt a little bit bad. also, the guy who rung me up for my muppet t-shirt looked just like jon's dad in 50 years. he was REALLY sweet and told me i had pretty red hair.

speaking of jon, we hung out saturday night. he showed me all of his romania pictures and we watched two AMAZING movies. the first i was hesitant about, speed racer. it turned out to be great. it was colorful and visually exciting. the story line was all over the place but what it lacked in substance, acting, plot and everything else it made up for in decorating and use of color. if i had a million dollars i would build a house and decorate it EXACTLY like the one in the movie. down to the lamps and wallpaper. it was like an orgasm of light and color. the OTHER movie we watched was ninja iii, the domination. it starred kelly, or special k from the breakin movies. she played a chick possessed by a demon ninja and goes around looking like zul from ghostbusters and killing cops. it kicked ASS. we always watch the best movies together.

i met a girl while i was out over the weekend. it was kind of a cute and awkward introduction. she's short and was trying to reach something on the top shelf at publix. a bottle of olive oil fell and i caught it before it hit her in the face. she was so cute i almost scooped her up and put her in my basket. i feel like it's a good sign to meet over a bottle of olive oil. it's one of my favorite erotic substances.

i had my second math test tonight. i think i got another b. i blanked again on one of the questions. it seems like there's always one. i don't know why my brain is like that. i'm happy with the b. i worked my butt off for it.

with the exception of sunday, which is the day we are having a GIANT family picnic/reunion, i was feeling kind of bored about my weekend. but greg said he was going to be in orlando for flogging molly all weekend so i'm going over tomorrow after work. we're going to get dinner and saturday we're going to go downtown to see giant guitars and the ultimate puppetmaster :) i am really excited. tricia went to the jim henson exhibit earlier this week and LOVED it. i hope they have t-shirts because i want one. it's been a while since i bought a new t-shirt.

and speaking of tricia, we have modest mouse tickets for monday night! i'm going in late to work on tuesday. or i'm taking the whole day off.

man, now that that test is over and i got all my funk out, i feel AMAZING. just like i lost 10#.

which i have, actually :)

i came home monday night to hell. my mother being hell. just almost-drunk and bitching. at first it wasn't about me but as i let her vent she slowly came around to start her bitching about me. then she threatened me with having to sit down and have a talk with her and my dad about my 'future'....

fuck. that. shit.

i'm sick to death of being hounded here. i have been saving money and going to school and working full-time and getting promoted. i have been DOING SHIT. good shit. get the fuck off my case. it's isn't good enough or fast enough. and what it comes down to is my parents are more interested in ridding themselves of their adult children in their house and are not interested in what i want for my own life as long as whatever i'm doing gets me out quickly. it's too much pressure to make a good decision about what i really want to do with my 'future'....

on top of that my privacy here is zero. my cell phone bill is scrutinized. my room is rummaged. my mail is sometimes opened. i have set traps in my bedroom and every single one of them has been set off. the same is true for my brother's room. i think his mail is spared. my mom is looking for debt-collector mail. too much all-up-in-my-business. it's not like i'm stock-piling weapons and shooting heroin. i understand my parents mean well but i think they've lost all sense of perspective when it comes to my dignity and respect.

on top of that i am not getting any sleep. i'm up and pacing the house every hour checking on my mom to make sure she hasn't passed out on the porch and might freeze to death in the night. last night when i made a round she had passed out STANDING UP in the kitchen. her head was on the counter and she was snoring when i walked in. getting her drunken, belligerent ass to obey me in those moments is like trying to pick up sand with chop-sticks. impossible and frustrating. what usually happens is i physically shake her awake so hard and violently (because she will NOT come around otherwise) that she wakes with a start and bitches and cusses at me. all while giggling and slurring. it's not funny. it wears me the fuck out.

so my nerves are shredded and it's time for me to move. i called my grandma up on monday at lunch and asked her if i could come over on my way home from work tuesday. she said she had bible group, and then asked if i had a problem. i said yeah....and she immediately canceled her plans and invited me over.

i told her EVERYTHING. cried and cried and cried some more. i told her about how i have no privacy, how i'm being pressured into making decisions i don't feel comfortable with, how my dignity is impinged upon, how the work i put in around the house is unappreciated. i told her how upset it made me to come home to people who don't really want you there. it has been a LONG time since i lived somewhere where i wasn't passive-aggressively unwelcomed by at least one person in the house. and me, being the type of person who loves living WITH other people and hating so much being alone, it kills me to feel that. i want so badly to be wanted somewhere. i originally went to my grandma because i think i can afford to live alone and i wanted help working out my budget. when i brought the subject up she told me i was being silly and that i should move in with her. since she broke her foot before christmas she's been in a wheelchair. she can't get around as easily and she can't drive anymore. she said she would LOVE to have me there. i'd be good company and i could help her out. she said it didn't matter to her if i took 6 months or 6 years to make my decisions. she thinks i've been really beaten down by my parents and she knows that i'm the only one that doesn't just ignore my mother's alcoholism. she knows how money-centric my parents are and feels the same way about money that i do. she just wants what she needs, not much more.

it was such a relief talking to her. i told her how my mom was even pressuring me to date. she and i got in an argument the other night because she was angry at me for 'closing yourself off to opportunities'....meaning someone to marry me so i can get out of her house and she can stop worrying about me. it all comes back around to that. if i ever do get to be married and have a family, i know my mother will have long drunk and smoked herself to death and is going to miss it all anyway. my grandma made the comment when i told her how worn out i was from tending to my mom that i shouldn't have to raise my own mother. when she put it like that to me i thought about it in the context of my life and where i'm at as opposed to where other women my age are at. i think i'm not starving for children because i've kinda been raising them my whole life. i've been dealing with my mom for at least 20 years. the year my uncle committed suicide is the year she started drinking HEAVILY. and i don't blame her. if i ever came home and found my brother swinging i would probably follow him. but since then she has created excuse after excuse to keep going. she has nothing positive to talk about EVER and continually brings up issues that are 5-10 years old. i'm worn out with it. and both of my parents complain at the top of their lungs how used and abused they feel. no one ever wants their help with anything because you will never be able to thank them enough. the snatch and claw for thanks so much you hardly want to give it to them. they equate how hard they work with how much money they've made, and my grandma pointed out that lots of people have worked as hard as they have. they've both just been very, VERY fortunate on top of that. no one really feels sorry for them when they start whining because money problems to them are having less of a surplus than they normally do. they don't ever get to where they couldn't keep up with their bills. they are hurting like everyone, but they are not suffering. they also have trouble finding sympathy when they start bitching about their kids (me and daniel). i'm the worst they've got and i'm not THAT bad. i've never had a baby or gotten into crazy debt or been in jail or hooked on bad drugs. i'm just having a terrible time finding my niche.

when i told my grandma about my parents getting babysitters for me last fall when they went to colorado because they were afraid i was going to use their house for a party....she snorted and said in a disgusted voice that that was RIDICULOUS! i finally have someone on my side who can actually help me. and my grandma and i like living together. i lived with my grandparents for a while when i was a teenager and wasn't getting along with my parents. and i lived with my grandma after my grandpa died so she wouldn't be alone. we're both alone now, and there's no reason for that. what i'm most excited about is the steady stream of family-traffic that floods through my grandma's house. i'll get to see all the kids SO much more. and i'm looking forward to lots of evenings watching law & order and eating takeout. i feel like so many things in my life are on track and keeping them that way on my parent's watch is an up-hill battle. i'm thankful for the chance to just clip along at a steady pace without any roadblocks. and i am going to save SO MUCH MONEY.

so yeah, love my grandma. and i know i'm her favorite too :)

my brother and sister-in-law came over with my niece on friday night. we got some awesome pictures, and i'll post them whenever my mom gets them off her camera. there are some REALLY cute ones, and one of me and my mom that i really like. i got a really good burp out of natalie after i fed her. my mom and kristi went to change her and she crapped and peed all over them and herself mid-switch. kristi and my mom laughed the whole time. it really is nice to have this baby in our lives finally :) my brother has such a nice little family now. i want one too.

i think that plan b was unnecessary. i'm having a totally normal period. also, i'm back on birth control again so it should be less of a worry now. i seem to be having all the same weepy emotional reactions to the hormones this time that i had the last time. it's hell. nothing would feel better than to be held in those moments. but they are only moments, and that's a manageable relief.

saturday i spent partly at the library studying for my math test, and partly at the beach being awesome. i found a kick-ass little spot down south of coconut point and ponce that is nearly deserted and the homes and condos along the edge are mostly shuttered up. it feels very private and cozy. i settled down in a nice dune and read and slept for a few hours. my skin got darker, my hair got lighter, and my freckles got a fresh dusting. today was too nasty to be outside, but i am so glad i squeezed it in when i could. i feel so much more alive after sitting in the sun like that. it's so energizing. and i like the pink of my skin when i look in the mirror :)

me and daniel hung out this morning while our parents were at church. we were sitting outside just before the wind picked up and the temperature dropped. we saw about 30 vultures fly out of the woods and circle the house catching thermals for a good twenty minutes. it was very freaky. they'd land in the trees around our yard and the cats would watch them as though they thought they might have a chance of catching one if it would only come down to the ground.

and so it seems birth control was a right-on-time decision because my sex life has picked back up again. it feels really good. i got to spend saturday night going to town on the softest, most delicious skin i've tasted in over a year. we were definitely the right people for each other at the exact right time. he did exactly what i love most when i am giving a very serious blow job - he held my hair up and out of my face and gripped it so tight that tears were welling up and i could feel myself squishing in my panties. he was just the right kind of sensitive to enjoy me gently licking and tonguing him from his belly button to his butt cheeks for about an hour. and he was perfectly perfectly shaped for going right down my throat. he was so good using his grip on my hair to guide me that i think i actually improved my deep-throating capabilities. he'd press so incredibly insistently and wait so patiently for my throat to relax before he tried to press further. and he did it so slowly and it was so amazingly sensual that i thought i was going to pass out from happy. he'd slide in and out like that three or four times, really slowly, and once he felt me relaxed he'd poundpoundpound until i was choking. he'd release his grip on my hair and start stroking my head and face so gently while i'd get a breath and then it would start all over again. at one point when i think he was getting close and needed to stop for a second he started biting me on the neck and shoulders so hard that i saw stars. he growled a little when he did that, and it was so hot. he had a lot of nice ink too that made for nice patterns to trace with my tongue and fingers. when he finally allowed himself to come it was straight down my throat and it was one of the longest orgasms i have ever felt in my mouth. obviously it had been a while. just a yummy, yummy night. all oral, no sex. very, very nice.

and today i met and hung out with tricia-with-a-penis. i mean he is tricia down to the sugar gliders and the candy-bowl full of starbursts and lemonheads. a LOT of fun. we watched a documentary on how babies develop in the womb and muted the sound so we could overlay it with the fat of the land album, which was seriously just about the trippiest shit i have ever seen in my life. what made it even more interesting is that he differs from tricia in that he is extremely intellectual, so while watching this amazing stuff going on we were both picking up the narrative on the science of what was actually going on. there was one segment that was looking at a cumshot through an electron micrscope, and we were listening to diesel power. just take your mind and hit it with an egg beater a few times, you'll kinda get the same sensation. uhhh-mazing.

we have no office manager this week. there is only three of us and more work than we can manage with even four. new rounds of interview happen after she gets back next week. i cannot wait to get someone in there. then i can go back to doing only one job instead of two. also, we're not getting our new pay-raises until the new person starts. i think that is bullshit.

i'm making friends right now with someone new. he's been hovering around for about a month, very patiently and with an air of strange dedication. so i thought i'd give him a chance. he is really cute. and very...aware. i love that.

02/27/2009 period started. fuck YES. and you know it's not going to be normal. because instead of coming at noon it's here at midnight. sucking cock, kids. sucking cock calls the beast.

i wish had something that would write my journal entries out while i speak them. because i have so much to say but i just want to lay in bed and say it instead of sit up an type it all.

tricia danced around at a bar in downtown orlando with a cooler on her head for front-row/backstage motley crue tickets. you only had to do it in your bra but when she saw that her little a-cups were up against two big sets of fake robo-boobs, she knew she had to pull out all the stops. she did it topless and won.

my brother bought a house in our old neighborhood. it's a REALLY nice house. and it's a LOT of house. we're all a little worried about the money. and the fact he's letting his girlfriends mother do the loan. the first one with her new mortgage company. i don't like it. she is as dumb as her daughter.

phillip, kristi, and natalie are coming over tomorrow night :) i get to hold natalie and vent to my sister(in-law) about the above-mentioned topic.

they have filled my brain up with so much stuff at work that it swims at the end of the day. i have a million little post-it notes all over my wall and my monitor and my desk. it looks unorganized as fuck right now, but it's actually helping me kick a whole lot of ass.

my second math test is next week. if tonight's class is any indication, i should easily pull another B. an A if i fight hard enough. and it is a battle.

i've lost 10# since the 16th. i already feel much better.

chris is going to try to do my belts again tomorrow night. that tensioner screw has had rust-eating lube-juice on it for two weeks, so if it doesn't budge it's going to have to be broken off. another $75 :( please be loose!

i think i'm done.

this will sound like a contradiction.

i feel sad and i'm worrying about my youngest brother. i'm disappointed with something my office manager did at lunch yesterday. the problem with my manager i HAVE to address this morning and i don't want to. i just want to do my work. the problem with my brother i can't say a word to him about. it would undermine our awesome relationship to give him unsolicited advice. but to stand by and watch bad things happen to him almost kills me.

i want a hug. a 20-minute bear hug where i can put my head on someones chest and listen to their heart beating. the nervous vibration that exists in mine would feel calmed by that.

despite those things i'm happy on the inside. rather i'm irrepressibly optimistic that things are going to be ok.